Justice Thomas Thinks Fat, Dumb Low-Wage Deputy Sheriffs Love His Opinions!

I don't know if it's a product of age or just creeping cynicism, but I'm starting to think almost any self-aggrandizing war story is complete bull$%@&.

Take, for example, this utterly implausible anecdote shared by Justice Thomas that just happens to perfectly illustrate an absurd point that the Justice seems to be making about himself -- that his writings are so plain-spoken and easy-to-understand that even menial, random service employees hang on his every word:

He said his own style was accessible to everyone, a point that is open to dispute. Consider, for instance, the opening sentence of his most recent opinion: “The False Claims Act (FCA), 31 U.S.C. §§3729 — 3733, prohibits submitting false or fraudulent claims for payment to the United States, §3729(a), and authorizes qui tam suits, in which private parties bring civil actions in the government’s name, §3730(b)(1).”

In the interview, Justice Thomas provided evidence that his writing is easy to grasp, including a remembered airport encounter with a man he assumed to be a law enforcement official.

“He looked like a deputy sheriff,” Justice Thomas said. “He had a little midriff going.”

“Here’s a guy,” the justice went on, “who looked like he clearly didn’t go to college, who said that ‘I’ve read all your opinions.’ Well, that’s accessibility.”

So we're supposed to believe Justice Thomas bumps into Sheriff Buford T. Justice at an airport and the guy just starts raving about his work and this perfectly validates an imagined point in your mind about how your writing resonates with the common man?

"I loved it when you ruled that if I take bad medicine my claim is pre-empted!"

"Remember that case where you limited my rights if I get discriminated against -- that rocked!"

"That time you slashed punitive damages against Exxon for dumping all that oil in Alaska, me and my boys still chuckle about that."

Whatever you say, Your Honor.

3d DCA Watch -- Key West is Different Edition!

For no particular reason whatsoever, we proudly present today's "intemperate, impatient, undignified and discourteous" 3d DCA Watch:

State Farm v. Caboverde:

The 3d reverses Judge Areces' grant of a new trial in a case where State Farm got a defense verdict.

The reasoning should be useful as precedent for trial courts and litigants in guiding how to handle these motions in the future:

Having considered the entire record, together with the trial court’s findings in its order granting a new trial, a clear showing has been made that the trial court abused its discretion in granting a new trial. We therefore vacate the order granting a new trial, and remand this cause with instructions to reinstate the jury’s verdict.

BTW, I totally agree with Justice Thomas that lawyers who don't read opinions suffer from "a disease of illiteracy or laziness."

I mean, how can you pass this stuff up?

Western & Southern Life v. Beebe:

Be careful how you draft your fee agreement.

Trinidad v. Florida Peninsula:

Be careful how insurance companies draft their insurance policies.

Hardin v. Monroe County:

Of course a case from the Keys has been pending for two decades(!), they tend to lose track of time down at land's end.

SFL Friday -- People In Glass Houses.....

I'm channeling my inner proverb-spouting Magistrate Judge Goodman, but here I think it really fits:

A former colleague and one-time girlfriend now tells the Washington Post that the Supreme Court justice was "obsessed with porn" as well as the bodies of his female coworkers.

"He was always actively watching the women he worked with to see if they could be potential partners," Lillian McEwen, a former assistant U.S. attorney and one-time girlfriend of Thomas' told the newspaper. "It was a hobby of his."

Listen, everybody has a hobby -- it enriches the soul. 

Besides, whatever happened to "people in glass houses.....," "judge not lest ye be judged," and my own personal favorite, "I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much."

Oh well, I'm gonna do like Ginni says and pray on it some and -- holy crap, I'm really gonna pray on it some.

Have a great weekend!